Making mistakes, is relatively easy. Unfortunately, learning from them, can take a bit of time.
Today, I’ve been pondering just how long it’s taken me to realise how many mistakes I’ve been making over the last few months. It’s actually shocking to think that it’s possible to make as many mistakes and blunders, as I have, and not even be aware of them.
But it’s true. Just as it’s possible to make mistakes, it’s also possible, to be mistaken, in thinking just making them is enough to learn from them.
Usually, for a mistake to provide you with learning/feedback, you need for something dramatic to occur.
An event, an upset, a breakdown, a crisis, it’s usually of a negative nature, as you’re producing results that aren’t of the desired outocme on an increasing frequency through trying harder.
Whilst in the short term, trying harder might seem like the wisest thing to do, it’s true value is uncovered in accelerating the speed with which your mistakes will accumuiate, and your failures will really start to add up.
As I want to make as many mistakes as possible this year, I’m almost encouraged to try even harder next time. To try to do more, and to make more of an effort, so that I might be able to accumulate a lot more learning in a shorter space of time.
That said, if the lessons you have to learn are unpleasant truths about yourself, then be prepared to get critical of yourself, and not assume that it’ll be easy coasting. It could be traumatic, it will definitely stretch you without a doubt, and it will also be potentially some of the most maturing influences that can happen to you. But I never promised that learning through mistakes was going to be a walk in the park.. It’s a hard graft, that through time, will toughen your disposition, help you sharpen your focus, and become both as tough as nails, and kinder in your dealings with others. But make no mistake, when mistakes are made, it really does test the mettle of your character. If you’re not sure that you’re being stressed enough then you’re not trying hard enough.
Points of failure can only emerge, when the entire system is stress tested, and having gone past the points a system were designed for, it’s when something attempts to grow/adapt past that point, that the real challenge begins to occur. It’s at this point, that you make sure, everyone on your team is still with you, because if you lose them, I guarantee you you definitely won’t succeed.
Teams are crucial to success, and failing to understand, respect and acknowledge their importance, value, and contribution, it’s easy to fail. But with those skills developed, it makes the whole process that much smoother.
But first you have to start with yourself. Make sure you set up some sort of recurrent review/feedback process that you can use on yourself, to check that your internal compass is properly aligned, and that you’re at least reviewing your interactions with others.
Then, over time, you’ll start to find yourself spotting how you could have done better in your dealings with others.
At least that’s a start. Of course, if you think there’s a smarter way to learn from your mistakes, it would be an honour to hear from you your opinion.
So keep making those mistakes, and remember to solicit as many sources of feedback as possible, since without it, you won’t really be able to orient yourself, in the landscape of your failure. But just remember, out of all failure and adversity, are planted the seeds of greatness, if we but realise how to water, and care for them.
Tags: learn from your mistakes
So I wrote about this a little bit yesterday, but I just wanted to re-iterate the point.
My greatest fear around succeeding has always been something of a stumbling block for me. In the past, I always put it down to being afraid of succeeding, but for whatever reason, I just hadn’t been able to get past it. There would be moments when I would just hit a wall, and not be able to break through it. I would just shut down, and just stop in my tracks. In time, I’ve come to accept those moments as the natural limits of my abilities (as I always imagined abilities could only stretch to a certain point). Now, the more I’m learning about the malleable nature of our talents, and abilites, it seems I might have been very wrong.
Far from being afraid of succeeding, it looks like I could have been more afraid of losing face. Of failing. Of trying, and looking stupid, or dumb. Of just make a right royal mess, and looking like the fool.
Well, it turns out that being afraid of failing, isn’t that uncommon. In fact any child, or adult that has been regularly praised for being smart, or intelligent, and taken that on board, and ‘owned’ that feedback, is afraid of losing that public persona/image. Enron being an example of a corporate entity where ‘talent’, accomplishment and success were celebrated above effort, and constructive feedback. That vicious cycle of being told you’re smart, or intelligent, or brilliant, coupled with a very public desire to not be seen to fail in public, and lose that front, leads us as a species to lie, cheat, steal, beg, borrow, in fact do anything and everything to avoid losing face. (I read about this research in a book recently, at some point, I’ll pull out the reference and pop that in here as well).
Having been on a journey of weight loss, and health challenges, for more than 10 years now, I’ve come to realise just how important failure is a crucial part of the learning process. Typically, when looking at the process of losing weight, and becoming healthy, it’s not uncommon to have a ‘good’ spell, then to have a single moment of failure, and from that point on to relapse into old habits and behaviours that led to the same old patterns. (It doesn’t help that certain foods are generally more addictive, or desirable when your body’s biochemistry is off whack, but that’s a topic for a whole other discussion 
The single biggest constant in my journey of weightloss, and health re-discovery has been the constant learning, failing, and trying again. It’s not been uncommon for me to do really well for a stretch, hit a barrier, and fail to continue. The hardest part though, is accepting the failure, taking stock of the situation, understanding why the failure occurred, and then getting back into the good routines again. With the succesful stretch of a good solid 8 months of eating a Paleo Based Diet, this year, and benefitting from the associated weightloss that comes with being in a healthy state of ketosis, I’m determined to make it a full year of Paleo eating/living – purely to see what effect that might have on my body. Weighing myself, on the 1st of Jan 2012, it appears that I’ve risen in weight to 140kg, from the last time I weighed myself a few months ago. Not entirely a surprise on my part to be honest, as I had started to feel my clothes start to get tighter again. But a situation that can be remedied pretty quickly and easily.
However, without the knowledge of what caused that failure to occur, and without taking stock of the experience, and learning something from it, that failure wouldn’t account for much at all. It’s only when I review my life circumstances, around the time that the change in my eating habits occurred, that I start to get a really clear picture of why the failure occurred, and what steps I can take to ensure that it doesn’t happen again, once I go through the same life circumstance again. I’m confident that having learnt this time round, I’ll be smarter the next time the same things happen, if any of those contributing life factors happen again.
Ultimately, I’ve come to realise, that my biggest fear is not about success, but about making a mistake. I’ve been afraid of pursuing my dreams, living my life to the fullest, or pushing myself to work harder, smarter or faster, believing that I have natural limits, and that when I reach those, there’s nothing more that I can or should do.
Now I know that’s entirely false.
We as humans have no limits. We can limit our potential, the moment we stop trying to make an effort, or stop trying to progress. Lady Gaga and Mark Zuckerberg, both have strong work ethics. They take feedback, and use it to steer their course. They don’t ever use it to be the result, or consequence of anything more than a set of actions, with a set of results. If they want different outcomes, they’ll take different actions.
Likewise, I’m going to stop being afraid of trying. Of getting all the work done. Of making the effort. Fortunately, the clearest feedback I can get, when I try, is that I either get the result that I’m after, or I get a different result. Either way, the result is just a result. One result means I need to try something different, the other means I need to keep doing the same thing.
I don’t know what will happen. But I do know that if I’m not afraid of trying, and making mistakes, I should start to see many more mistakes happen. The fastest way to learn, is to make the greatest number of mistakes.
Starting from January the 1st 2012, I made the firm commitment to myself, that this year I’m going to try more often, try harder, try more frequently, and try many many different things. If from all those attempts, I find 100 ways that don’t work, I will consider myself successful. For to have properly tried, and put my heart and soul into 100 different approaches, efforts, and attempts, I’m sure I’ll start to get a much much clearer understanding of what works, and what doesn’t. Perhaps if I hadn’t been so afraid of failing sooner, I would have started earlier, and learnt quicker. But clearly that didn’t happen. Oh well, guess that means I can’t be as smart as I thought I was, and I must be pretty dumb! Well good thing I caught that now. Guess now that I caught that failure, I can start to just focus on ‘effort’ and time spent trying, and let the results, and outputs, and consequences evolve into whatever they end up being.
I encourage you to embrace failure, and to start being more confident, and keen to fail. For the surprising thing with failure is that the harder you try to fail, the more often you try, and the more frequently you keep trying to fail, the sooner you’re going to realise just how little effort it really takes to succeed. Often, the mindset is the only thing standing in our way. The rest of the solution, being readily available, once we’ve gotten over our own sense of self-importance and feeling of entitlement.
So buckle up, batton down the hatches, roll up your sleeves, pull out the stops, and get to work. Whether you succeed or fail, it’s almost irrelevant. What matters, is that you honestly and sincerely made the effort, and continue to do so. For the only failure that is irreversible is the failure to try. Only then are you guaranteed to fail. Otherwise, all failure is nothing more than the navigational correction needed to steer the ship towards it’s correct destination, which is a result, or outcome which has yet to be revealed, as a consequence of focussed effort, and unwavering resolve to keep working.
Tags: celebrating failure, effort, fear of failure, learning, success, work
As 2012 chimes in, and my Father prepares for his retirement, I’m going into 2012 with a very different attitude that I went into 2011 with.
On the morn of January 1st 2012, at about 4am, local time (GMT, in London), I’ve been spending a bit of ‘quiet’ time with myself, after seeing in the New Year, and everyone retired to bed.
At first, I wanted to stay up, to watch a movie, as was my tradition of entering into the New Year, and yet, there was no decent movie showing at 1am, in the UK, on any of the Sky or Terrestrial channels that I could see. I then thought that now might be a good time to watch some of the recorded movies I had saved up on Sky+. Scrolling through what was saved, I happened across a show I had saved, that followed Mark Zuckerberg, and told the story of Facebook. It had aired on BBC2, on the 14th Dec 2011 (at 22:00), and is called Mark Zuckerberg: Inside Facebook (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b017ywty). Watching the show, suddenly put me into a very ‘different’ frame of mind, to the one that I was in, when I was about to watch a movie, before slipping off to bed. Watching Zuckerberg talk, understanding a little bit more about what allowed him to accomplish the success that he has (in the context of talent, mastery of skills, and development of myelin – there’s a whole bunch of book reviews that I’ll share soon, that explain this context) led me to start to understand just how passionate, focussed, and singled minded Zuckerberg was over his project, and made me really start to appreciate just where the gaps were in my own focus, and attention.
Then, I went and watched Lady Gaga, in the episode of ‘A Very Lady Gaga Thanksgiving’, which aired on PBS, in the US, and then here in the UK, on Sky. Ever since I saw an interview of Lady Gage, by Indian Celebrity Simi Agarwal, I’ve had a tremendous amount of respect for Lady Gaga, both as an artist, but also as a passionate individual, who’s been lit aflame by her work, and her passion, and has the requisite skill and mastery to be able to have a meaningful impact with her music.
Watching her interview, when she starts to talk about her song, “Marry the Night”, she says the song was about:
“committing yourself wholeheartedly to the thing you are most passionate about.”
Lady Gaga goes onto say:
“It is about that moment when I decided I was going to tear it up, that I was going to get married to my work, and that my work would be my husband forever. That was the moment when I knew that there was no fire and no rain that could get in my way.”
Lady Gaga
Source: Growing Up Gaga http://abcn.ws/s6KJiL via @ABC (scroll to 5mins 08 seconds)
You can also watch the part directly: http://youtu.be/EDDkt8CjF-Q?t=4m58s
In 2011, both Mark Zuckerberg, and Lady Gaga, whilst in completely different industries, and sectors, represented a pinnacle of success, that is unparalelled in terms of how succesful they have respectively become in each of their fields, at such young ages. The one common thread, between the two is their dedication, and devotion to their work. In Talent Code language, it is the myelin that the two of them laid down internally at an early enough age, and continue to do so, that allowed them to break through the 10,000 hours of practice, make countless mistakes, and then ultimately succeed where others before them hadn’t.
It’s as much about the external success they appear to have, as it is about the internal motivation that stokes their fire, and their unwavering commitment to their own excellence that drives them forward in a way that continues to allow them to learn, to make mistakes, and to grow, and develop further.
The more I’m learning, and studying about how people became excellent in their respective fields, the more I’m starting to appreciate how important it is to make mistakes. In one of the books I read recently (I can’t remember which one, but when I find it, I’ll re-write this to reference it properly), I read about a world class ice skater, who in her trainings, regularly fell on the ice. She was trying to do a difficult jump, with a triple twist, and only had mastery of a jump with a double twist. As the author observed her practicing, she would fall down countless times, in her training sessions. But she would just pick herself up, brush herself off, and then try exactly the same thing again, and again, and again, repeatedly, getting a little bit closer each time, until eventually she had perfected her practice in such a way that she was able to spin 3 times, and land back facing the correct direction, after falling down many many times.
It’s the combination of seeing the commitment, that each of the above celebrities had to their work, coupled with the latest knowledge I’ve gleaned, from reading a few books, about how the brain and people in general stop trying when we’re being told we’re smart. We generally stop making an effort, when we’re congratulated on our skill or talent. It’s a safety mechanism, whereby instead of pursuing ever greater challenges, to try to get even better and develop more skills, we don’t want to lose face, and so try to stick with the easier, simpler route or options that lie ahead of us. Today, it’s finally clicked. Having read ‘The Richest Man in Babylon’ many times, I started to appreciate the importance of ‘work’ in the story, but now, I’m starting to really see how fundamental it is, to getting to the bottom of the Talent/Success Myth.
You see, I firmly believe that success is not innate, or reserved for a priviledged few. It is actually available to everyone that works hard, and makes consistent effort, to continuously develop and improve themselves. The only people that really don’t succceed are the ones that stop trying. The one’s that stop making an effort. The one’s that stop growing, developing, pushing their boundaries, and who no longer wish to make the effort, or put in the hard work, those are the success stories that never make it, those are the entrepreneurs, and artists who never make it big.
Unfortunately, with ‘Social Media’ and ‘Reality TV’ doing such a great job of reducing the barrier to celebrity status, more and more children and adults alike, wish they could just step in, and become successful, rarely being able to see all the struggle, effort, or mistakes that were made on the often times 10 or 15 year journey that got them there.
I’m going to go out on a limb now, and say that Marianne Williamson went and got it all wrong. Her famous passage, quoted often as being part of a speech that Nelson Mandela gave, that says:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”
had a most undesired detrimental effect. It made people open up to the possibility that they were so powerful, and so brilliant, that they deserved to succeed, and that they were entitled to success, wealth, happiness, the posh cars, the dream lifestyle etc. etc.. When in truth we are all equal, and that sense of ‘entitlement’ or ‘deservedness’ that comes from thinking your better, smarter, more talented, or more capable is actually the biggest weakness that anyone can have. I should know. I’ve spent the better part of my adult life acting, thinking, and behaving as if the world owed me something, and that I was entitled to a better life, or to more success, or better results.
Well, frankly, that sense of entitlement, and deservedness came directly from being repeatedly told that I was smart, and brilliant. You see, off the back of research that’s been happening to understand what makes some children excell and others to stop trying, it became evidently clear, that praising and congratulating a child on their effort, leads to the child making more of an effort next time. Praising a child on their intelligence and how smart they are had the completely opposite effect in all the countless cases of research, with the child then less willing to take on any interesting or difficult challenge always favouring the simplest, easiest solution, in an effort to ‘not’ be seen as being dumb, or as talented.
I think the quote should actually be updated to read now as the following:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we will fail, repeatedly, have to own that failure, and then pick ourselves up and do it all again, for it is not in our brilliance that we create true success, but in the infinite failings, and falling down from which we must pick ourselves up each time and try again, that is the true test of our character, and forges the necessary competence that we require to be able to succeed.”
As you can tell, I’m starting to have a very high opinion of failure. In a way that I never had before. You see, I’m finally starting to get how important it is to fail at stuff. The most spectacular Entrepreneurs have generally had to get good at dealing with all the problems, failures, and challenges that come their way, as well as equally being able to get back in the driving street, and to continue to push forward.
With that in mind, I’m making a commitment to being the absolute best that I can be in my field, and in turn, to make a lot more mistakes this coming year. Expect to see me regularly fail this year 
Happy 2012 to you all!
Tags: 2012, abc, bbc, facebook, lady gaga, mark zucerberg, new year, resolutions
“Plan to succeed or plan to fail.”
Words I’ve heard so often in my life, I’ve lost track of who I originally heard them from.
Yet, I believe truer words have never been spoken.
Either you make the plans, and lay out a course of action, that leads you towards the success in reaching your goal, or you end up not planning, and by default, end up planning on failing any endeavour you start out on.
Whilst it’s impossible to plan for every eventuality, and there’s always going to be some unplanned, unexpected circumstance that trips you up, thwarts you, or causes you to change direction, without some semblance of a plan, you automatically end up defaulting to where the 
wind blows you, and trust me, most of the time it’s definitely not where you want to be.
I’ve tried various different ways of planning, and have run the full spectrum from micro-planning, where I literally plan out each hour of my day, through to complete spontaneity, where I end up deciding what to do in each moment, and whilst both have their merits, and benefits as life experiences that I recommend going through (at least the spontaneity one), neither, on their own is hugely predictive, or accurate. Overplanning leads to missing too many immediate short term objectives/goals (because things being out by a few minutes, can throw your entire day off schedule, if you plan too little ‘buffer’ time for those unexpected eventualities), and complete spontaneity leads to a complete lack of predictability for lifestyle/cashflow, and sustenance purposes. (Not that it matters when you’re being completely spontaneous, but it does mean you can’t realise any long term visions, by just living day to day, surviving, rather than thriving, at least in my experience of it.)
I’ve found there’s a healthy balance to be had, between planning and spontaneity, and the easiest way to plan sensibly is to do 1 thing each day. No more, no less. Have one clear objective for each day, and then work towards accomplishing that one objective. And make sure your objective is realistic, and practical (for example, if you’re a coder, don’t plan on writing a working prototype of an entire program in a day, unless you’ve got experience in creating prototypes in a day, and know that you can reliably churn that out.) Often, I find myself overly optimistic as to how much work I can complete in a day. In fact, most days I never get anywhere near as much off my to-do list as I’d like. Which is why, you have to always start with your most important action for the day.
That one thing, that if it was all you did, the day was worth it.
Simplifying the day down into a single task, or a single action makes it manageable, and more realistically achievable. (That said, if you’re finding each day you set yourself the same task/goal, and you always end up having to move it to the next days activities, perhaps it’s time to re-think that plan of action!)
Sometimes, the most sensible plan is to spend a fixed amount of time, on a particular activity or project (for example 1 hour per day, on project X, or activity Y), and whilst it won’t guarantee that the activity or project will be completed, it does mean that each day your making a dent, no matter how small, in the grander challenge/problem.
For me, my goal each day is to slowly increase the amount of ‘personal’ time I create each day. I know that I want to have 3-4 hours each day, that I can spend, as ‘me’ time, doing things that aren’t necessarily work related, but are projects that inspire me, or keep me hopeful that there may yet be a change for the better in society at large. That said, every action, or decision I make is based on a ‘Vision’, or goal I had set myself when I was 13/14 (I forget exactly how old I was, but I remember the ‘moment’ of that decision really clearly!). 
It’s a serious BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal), one that I will only share in public when it’s time. For now, it’s something I work towards each day, each month, each year, and whilst it’s been at least 15+ years since I started working on it, it’s informed, and been a part of my decision making process every step of the way these last 10/15 years. That’s not to say I’m anywhere closer to realising that goal, and the longer I spend immersed in the challenge, the more I realise how it will possibly take me a lifetime, to realise my goal, or even get close to making it a reality. But then if it were that simple/easy, I’d have done it by now
I still plan on getting there one day, but the mechanism by which I get there will continue to change/evolve over time, the route I take to get there is uncharted, and unknown, so that shall be it’s own challenge, and the likelihood of me getting to my goal, seems ever more distant/unlikely, the longer it takes. And yet, in spite of it all, I persevere with that vision that inspires me so.. I keep taking small baby pigeon, ant like steps, towards a goal, that I don’t even know if I will ever reach. And yet that deliberate planning, and step by step process of chunking down the goal, into manageable pieces means that each year, I make a plan, and each year I review that plan, and see if I’m still going in the right direction, or if I need to make changes, and if so, what are they?
I encourage you to plan on doing something amazing with your life, and then taking small baby steps each year towards your long term goal. Plan it backwards, into something that can be done, and then keep on chipping away at it, until you finally reach your destination.
So what are you planning now? Care to share? Leave me some details in your comments below!
I also realised, after writing this, that I have a podcast that relates to planning for success, that might also be of interest to folks..
So have a listen to it here:
As 2010 comes to a close, I’m strangely not drawn to celebrate the end of the year, or to find a party to join in with..
Instead, I want nothing to do with the world outside, and want only to curl up into my own interior. I want to spend time alone, by choice, not through a need to be lonely, but through a desire to be in quiet. I don’t want to be surrounded by noise, or people, or festivities, but instead am drawn to reflect on the many changes that I need to make, in my life, my health, and my lifestyle, to reach some of my goals in life. And not for the sake of accomplishing them, but so that I can then be of use to others, be able to benefit those who are nearest and dearest to me, and ultimately, to get to a point, where I can realise my dreams, ambitions, and vision, of having an impact on the world for the better. (Perhaps only a small impact, on a few people, or perhaps a large impact, on the level of a community, or city, or country, or even continent.)
However, right now, I don’t want to say too much about it at all. In fact, there’s very little about my life, or my personal world that I want to share at all. Having experienced a number of deaths in our extended family, I’ve come to realise the fragility of life, and how important it is that we make use of each last moment we have here. At the same time, it’s made me extremely conscious, of how little I really want to share publicly, and openly with everyone, for everyone to see. It just feels wrong, and out of place. When you’re attending a funeral, it’s not something you want to ‘tweet’ about, or ‘check-in’ for. Through these experiences, I’m starting to realise, that there is a very fine line between what I’m comfortable sharing openly, and publicly, and what I reserve for my more personal immediate circle. In fact, it’s a distinction, that is drawing me ever further away from wanting to share as openly, or as honestly, as I have been doing, online, as well as offline.
As early as 2004, I experienced this ‘problem’, or ‘dilemma’ of wanting to share something, with a specific group of individuals, in a very personalised way, for very specific thoughts, and experiences I had in life, and those groups were very fluid, and dynamic, based on how I was feeling at the time that I decided I had experienced something that I wanted to voice, or share. As of yet, I haven’t yet found the right platform/tool/service that lets me be so selective, or granular with regards to what I share with who.
So in the absence of any such technology, I’m going to go from one extreme to another.
This coming year, I’m going to be much more silent, reflective, and introspective. Occasionally, I’ll share some of my thoughts, thinking, and insights. Other times, I won’t share them publicly, but I will find some way of sending them to a select few people that I want to share more personal details with. For now, I’ve decided that my default setting in everything is slowly going to switch to ‘private’. Twitter, maybe not, but gradually, I’m going to find a level of ‘publicness’, and visibility that I’m comfortable with, and that doesn’t challenge me to rethink, or question what it is that I’m sharing, as often as has been the case in the last few months.
For me, 2011 is going to be a year when I start unfriending people online, and start drawing boundaries between myself, and the world of people that I actually know in person, as opposed to the people that I know virtually. I’m going to start being more attentive to smaller groups, and smaller crowds. I’m going to start thinking much more long termist than I have been so far (about my online persona, and identity). I think in the past, I’ve been quick to default to wanting to opt-in, be public, and share as much as possible. I’m going to change to always questioning if I want to join in, or participate, being much more private, and sharing as little ‘personally’ as possible. That may change the nature of how I appear online, and at the same time, that may start to free up signficantly more of my time and energy to work on some of the pet projects I’ve pencilled in for 2011. Let’s see at the end of next year where I stand. For now, I’ve said enough. Have a good New Year, hope that 2011 brings you what you’re in need of, and now I’m going to go find a movie to watch, or book to read, as I end my 2010, and start to be more of a recluse than before.
Was inspired to write this after a wonderful evening out, catching up with friends in London’s Tech Startup Scene. I don’t feel like I fit any one mould or stereotype, and sometimes those things that make us all unique sometimes make me feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, at a loose end. At other times (usually when I’m being the most comfortable in my skin), I end up relishing the fact that I am unique and different and have views of the world that very few others may arrive at.
It all just poured out of me, just like this:
I don't belong with the cool kids Cos I'm just not cool enough I don't wear designer outfits I'm not fit, and hot and good looking No I don't belong with the cool kids That's definitely not where I belong I don't belong with the hip kids Cos I'm just not wise enough to be so fly I don't possess the street smarts, Or the ingeniousness to succeed like them My achievements fade into insignificance, When compared with the lofty successes of those street wise hip kids No I definitely don't belong with them I don't belong with the geeky kids, I'm just not geeky enough I don't get the funky sci-fi comics, Heck, I don't hack as good as them either No I'm definitely not a geek, I don't fit in with all of them I don't belong with the rich kids, No I'm definitely not one of them I don't have the piles of dough I just don't have the cash, I won't lie about it, I'm bootstrapped, and then strapped for cash some No I definitely don't fit in I'm definitely not a rich kid, no I don't belong with them I don't belong in the mainstream No I don't belong there I got too deep, and philosophical, Getting all spiritual and metaphysical No I'm definitely not 'normal' enough to be mainstream No I don't belong there I don't belong with the spiritual folk No I don't belong there I used to be all hippy, and peace and love man, But I got too business savvy, and a word to the wise Being all spiritual, and financially broke, might do wonders for your karma But when your stomachs a rumbling, and your bank balance a crumbling, It just doesn't do to be all peace, love, and divine man No I definitely don't belong there I guess that leaves only one place where I can belong then The place that's left after it all It's that place you have after the party The one after everyone's gone When all the facades have come down And the shenanigans done When the truth is revealed, and the layers undone Bare, and true, naked of all pretense, Free of posing, and positioning When all else is stripped away, and the raw vulnerable you is left That is where I belong Yes that is where I belong
So where do you belong?
Love is something which gets used a lot in so many different contexts. It’s something that I’ve been mulling over a lot lately and I just wanted to get some thoughts down, and share some perspectives of mine on the matter.
There’s the context of food, as in ‘I love my mom’s cooking’, or ‘I love chocolate’, then there’s relational love between two people, as in ‘I love you’. It’s this second emotional relational context that I’m keen to explore further.
To start out, I just want to note how clumsy the English language is in relation to the word for love. Compared to Urdu/Hindi which has a number of different terms to denote the degrees to and the levels of love one might feel towards another. There are the terms Pyar, Ishq, Mohabbat, amongst others that all relate to love, but some more intensely than others. Knowledge of these subtly different words might be partly to do with why I’m able to articulate some of these distinctions below.
Briefly reviewing some of the different types of love, there is the ‘infatuation’ type of love, that generally translates into an obsessed, I must be with them type of feeling.
There is also the cutesy high school crush, sort of romantic comedy style love. Especially common between a young couple that’s freshly dating, and are at the stage where they like each other but don’t necessarily know how much nor do they have deep feelings for each other. Perhaps you might even think of it in terms of the phrase ‘puppy love’.
Then there’s the love that’s very caring, concerned for the wellbeing of another, in a real sibling/spouse/parent child kind of way, where you care about the wellbeing and safety of the other. In such situations you will always ultimately care about the health and wellbeing of the other, but at times you may prefer to not spend all your time with these people, or you may prefer to keep them at a distance, especially when familial relationships are involved, but ultimately if any tragedy were to befall them, or any mishap, you would want to be the first one to come to their aid in their time of need.
There’s also that very platonic kind of all embracing, love everyone and everything kind of love, that a lot of hippies, new age spiritualists, and perhaps spiritually inclined people would engage with, trying to be loving and caring towards everyone and everything. It’s the kind of love that has you aspire for world peace, the end of poverty, protecting the environment (though many of those behaviours can also derive from a sense of guilt, a desire to escape a certain life, or to just receive kudos, and recognition, as a form of status, as well as the more noble reason of a desire to genuinely want to make a difference for others).
With each of these different forms of love (and I’m sure there are more that I haven’t included), whilst the word love is used, it seems to relate to some very different things. Even though for the most part it seems that it relates to the relationship between two people or a person (or conceivably any living species that appears to express emotion), there are two more perceptions of love that I have yet to mention, that are remote or different from these. One is considered truth, or divine love, a state of being, or a state of grace received or entered into through a divine blessing or continuous devotion, prayer and worship. (There are some commonalities between mystics of different faiths when bringing them together and having them share their divine experiences, especially when relating to or describing a state of ‘pure love’).
Another perspective that is starting to surface is of love as being a force of the universe. Some people describe love as the force that literally holds everything together. It’s referred to as a subtle force that underpins the whole of reality. For those of a more scientific bent, this usage of ‘love’ is akin to the scientific theories of everything that describe a sub-atomic component to physical matter which permeates all form in the physical dimension. An energy which exhibits intelligence, forms a non-physical blueprint to the physical universe and informs the creation and evolutionary direction of all that is alive. A bit incredulous perhaps for some of you readers out there to believe, but a perspective that’s out there in the world nonetheless.
What interests me most, in connection with love, is this idea that there exists an ideal soul mate or a perfect life partner for each of us. Having personally only been in a single romantic relationship in my entire life, and that with a woman that I married, and came to love, over the few months prior to the wedding, knowing that I was to marry her, perhaps my personal perspective on the matter might be a little biased. Especially as the marriage and relationship didn’t last very long.
But having said that, there are some patterns that I’ve noticed that I believe to be true irrespective of personal experience surrounding the nature of love, and how it affects us.
One observation is that love can be cultivated over time. Especially through repetition. The best example I can think of is from my high school days, when we would have the radio on in certain classrooms, in the background. Certain songs which I found really annoying or irritating when I first heard them, after prolonged exposure to them on the radio my opinion of the song would change and I would start to like, and even enjoy the songs that previously I had considered terrible. It’s happened quite a few times since as well, that upon repeatedly hearing the same songs over and over again, whether I liked them or not, I would eventually learn to like them if I were exposed to them over time.
This does make me wonder if a direct connection exists between the frequency and length of exposure between two people and how that affects just how much attraction exists between them.
Indeed having seen successful couples spend a lifetime together, through compromising with each other and making an effort at making their relationship work, and ultimately seeing their spouse as a life partner that they choose to spend the rest of their life with, I really do have to question that idealistic notion of a ‘romantic’ love being capable of amounting to anything more than a short term romantic infatuation of sorts.
Even the fact that the majority of marriages in the UK and even the USA as far as I can tell, end up in divorce or separations (I shan’t make any guesses as to the rest of Europe, or other parts of the world, as I don’t know much about those cultures/countries comparatively speaking). However the one country that stands out as the one with the highest percentage of successful marriages is India, and having a Father who was born and raised in India, and having been bought up in Indian Culture, I do know a little something about that too, even if I was born and raised in the UK.
Some people attribute the greater rate of success in Indian marriages down to the societal pressures, and influence of the extended family. Personally, I’m of the opinion that those factors support and increase the chances of success, as divorce does exist as an exit from marriage, but is just a route less used when experiencing marital challenges in most cases. Having lived for 6 months in South Korea during my youth, I did learn that there are many Asian family values, that are common across Asia, and so perhaps the notion of successful marriage and the understanding behind what makes a couple stay together in Asian families can help us breakdown further this notion of love.
From my limited understanding of it, love between two people, at least the kind that gets protrayed in films, appears to generally only be a temporary passionate kind of intense short lived infatuation type of love and generally only lasts up until the point that one party has obtained the ‘unobtainable’ object of their desire. Once that threshold has been crossed, be it marriage, intimacy, or just acceptance from the other and the commitment to be together, then the dynamics of the relationship change and the real ‘relationship’ challenges begin.
It’s at this point that the breakdowns and the cracks in the relationships start to appear, and depending on how they’re dealt with they will either fortify the relationship or begin to rot the foundations of it. Part of it does boil down to how committed each partner is to the other, and also to how accommodating one partner is of the other. It’s at this point that I believe love stops making a difference in terms of how things progress. However it is only because of the original love, that a couple would work through their challenges and find a place of mutual compromise. In these situations, love has stopped to be a factor, however it continues to be there between the couple. What I find a little ironic is that the couples that work through their challenges and make the commitment to make their relationship work have a much stronger bond, through their challenges, and whilst their love may not exhibit the same fiery intenseness and spontaneity that occurs in the early stages of an infatuated romance, it tends to be much more enduring, and longer lasting.
When I think of a married couple growing old together, I imagine them to care for each other, to rise above their differences, and to know each other intimately in such a way that they can read each others mind almost, and be able to predict what the other needs.
Ultimately, no matter how much love exists between two people it really doesn’t matter. For whilst you can always cultivate, or develop your love for another person, it is only a mutual determination or desire to make a relationship work that ultimately leads to there being enough love between two people to sustain a long term relationship, that endures over a lifetime.
With that in mind, I think love is a force, or an energy that bonds people together, or flows between people that care about each other. Taking a slightly wider perspective, love doesn’t just flow between people, but between all things that are animate and alive, and contain a spirit and contains a form of consciousness. It permeates between all things and beings that are aware. Hence why people can feel love for pets, and plants, and feel loved by them as well.
It feels like the love we experience from different people is unique to each person, which suggests that love is generated by each person and is a different energy unique to each individual. But then at the same time, the love that we feel for siblings or parents or our children is different to the love we might feel for a lover, or partner. This suggests that either we generate different frequencies of love towards different people or that we receive the love and interpret it differently from different people.
Most significantly, in my observation, there are different strengths of love, for example the intensity of a new romance, the platonic almost docile love that comes of a sibling, parent or good friend, but that has a tremendous amount of strength attached to it. I believe that love is an energy that flows between us, and the more often and the more frequently it flows between two people, be it through caring, and sharing, or through concern, or compassion, the more strongly an individual becomes both a conduit for love for the other person, but also the other person has the potential to more strongly be bonded to that love, if they receive and acknowledge the love they receive.
It’s analogous to molecules in the body, which according to Candace Pert, are capable of experiencing emotions, and over time, the receptors on the cells in the body adapt, to be able to receive and interpret the dominant emotion that exists within the psyche of the individual. In a similar manner, I’m going to suggest that we are all capable of receiving love from different people, and sending love to different people, and that as we attune ourselves to sending and recieving love to certain people, over time, our sensitivity towards individuals changes, and we become more receptive to, and amorous of people that we have chosen to love, if we so choose to send and receive love to and from those people.
There’s definitely some ‘hard wiring’ of the love receptors and transmitters when we’re born (for example, we receive by default the love of our parents and siblings and even extended family more strongly than anyone else), hence our need to receive a certain amount of love and attention when we’re born, and also the negative consequences that occur when a child is deprived of love and attention. But that would also account for why ‘families’ mean so much to us, as a way of helping us survive, and be sustained, through their love for us, and our love for them.
The only question that remains, is if we are hard wired to ‘love’ certain other people in our lives. That whole question of ‘soul mate’ springs to mind, of how different people feel like they are destined to be with another. Some folks only experience it one way (i.e. they are in love with someone, but the other person isn’t necessarily in love with them), whilst others just have an ‘instant’ connection.. But ultimately, isn’t all of this just opportunities to connect, or make a connection with another person? It doesn’t always mean we always do, nor does it always mean that we should. But what of those stray sparks of love, or romance, or passion, that do come onto our radar?
For now, I think I’m going to stay open to the possibility and the mystery that life presents when it comes to soul mates, and life partners, but being single, and alone, it probably biases my perspective a little. I’d be interested to hear what other people out there think.. Especially those folks that are in loving relationships, or who have made lifetime commitments to an individual, and are living that through.
Look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments, and in your responses. I’m of the opinion that if you spend the time and attention with pretty much anyone, in time you can come to love everyone, since love develops directly in proportion to the effort, and energy you put into creating it between you and another.
What do you think?
Tags: emotional, love, meaning, personal, purpose, romantic, spiritual
Knowing when to quit is perhaps one of the hardest things to figure out. Often our sense of pride, our self esteem, and our reputation are all interwoven into what could be a challenge that we’ve been struggling with for ages. In fact, sometimes, we’re so determined to succeed that we won’t let ourselves quit, no matter what.
As strange as it sounds, there is a distinct difference between quitting and failing.
Most people are so caught up in the fear of failing, that they end up spending their lives, pursuing something that wasn’t right for them, and ultimately losing so much more in the process.
Personally, I’ve long been guilty of the above. Though paradoxically, to most people looking in, I was in that enviable position, travelling the world, not tied to a job, and living a life that was fairly carefree having no real responsibilities, and choosing not to let any fiscal obligations hold me back.
I always had money when I needed it, I was always able to find funds to travel, when the wind blew me in a certain direction, and I appeared, from the outside to be leading a charmed life, being able to do pretty much anything I fancied. With that life, however, I was very deliberately staying away from working in a 9 to 5, and I was able to be fairly flexible with my calendar, and with the people I would meet.
However, after many years of living out of a suitcase, and constantly being on the road, I decided I was ready to ‘settle’ and wanted to find a nice stable income, a regular job, and quit the life of travelling and being an adventurer. One of the main reasons for making that decision, was the realisation that I could do so much more with a greater financial storehouse of wealth, and that the simplest and easiest way to build up a solid reserve of cash for me, at that point, was through working in a job consistently, and being paid for my time and commitment on a regular basis. (I’m not going to start debating the merits of working for yourself, and working for someone else, suffice it to say I’m a firm believer in choosing consciously what’s right for you at any given moment of your life, having been both an entrepreneur and an employee in life).
The decision to quit one lifestyle, and way of living, and enter another was a tough one..
Because, from the outside, looking in, I was living the ‘ideal’ life, that everyone else aspired to. Not being tied to a desk, travelling the world, meeting amazing people, and just regularly living through phenomenol experiences. But on the other hand, I wasn’t living my life, in order to be a role model to others. (At least not consciously). I was living my life in that way, because I deemed that was the smartest way to reach some of my longer term goals. As it happens, after living in the spontaneous, in the moment kind of life, I certainly had a richer experience of life for it, however, I wasn’t any closer to the goals that I had for myself. It was a tough decision, in some respects completely giving up on a particular way of life, in order to try something that according to most people is what you want to avoid, or stay away from. But in all honesty, the freedom that comes with living on a regular monthly income, and the security that you get from it, was something that I was ready to embrace, and welcome into my life.
By deciding for myself, what my priorities were, and by deliberately making the choice to stop using entpreneurship and freelancing as my primary sources of income, and moving into the traditional employee driven model of life, I deliberately quit one lifestyle for the other. It might go against convention for most people. In fact, most people probably spend most of their days, daydreaming about having the kind of adventures that I regularly took for granted. However, as crazy as it sounds, I just knew I had to get myself into a 9-5. It went against all convention and wisdom, but until I quit one lifestyle, I wasn’t able to fully embrace another, different lifestyle. The decision wasn’t hard for me, nor is it something I regret in the least. I only regret perhaps not making that choice sooner.
Often in life, we may feel like we just ‘have’ to keep going down a certain road, or a certain path in life. I’d strongly disagree with that.
The only life you should be pursuing is one in which you make conscious and deliberate decisions to live your life a certain way. Make your decisions based on the reasons and the circumstances that matter the most to you right now.
Not 3 years ago. And definitely not because other people want you to make certain decisions, or lead a certain life.
Most importantly, don’t be afraid to learn from your choices, and make a new choice accordingly. Whilst from the outside it may look like you’re not sticking with any one thing, if internally you know exactly what you’re aiming for, then be sure to exercise the self discipline to review what you do, and take new decisions if your current choices aren’t working out for you. Ultimately, you’ll only wish that you’d made that decision sooner, when you’ve learnt all you can from a certain choice.
And please remember,
failure only occurs when you stop trying.
If you change tactics, quit one line of action, in favour for another, or try something completely off the wall, or different, it just means you’re both wise and smart enough to succeed eventually. It’s the one’s who don’t even realise they made a choice, and continue to live their lives, devoid of meaning, and enjoyment that are the real failures. For they failed to take action, to live consciously, and to actively quit what didn’t work for them, in order that they might find something that did.
If you’re struggling to know if you should still be pursuing your current course of action, then chances are either you need to change your approach, skill up, or you need to change goals. For me, I’ve found changing one of those three has helped both keep me sane, and also bring me closer to my desired goals.
If you really can’t figure it out for yourself, then I can only recommend you read ‘The Dip‘ by Seth Godin.
It really helped me get clear on the distinctions between quitting something that just isn’t going to work no matter how hard you keep trying, and knowing when you’re just that final mile from the end, and shouldn’t quit no matter what the circumstance. Of course, I’d advise you to listen liberally to your own gut instinct and intuition. But if they’re not sounding loud and clear enough for you, the book by Seth should do a better job of helping you decide whether it’s time to quit, or to stick.
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Tags: choosing consciously, conscious decisions, fail, quit
Ideals are a funny one. They are the things we aspire towards. They are the things that we want to spend our life aligned with and the things that hold us back from putting something out before it’s complete, and perfect. Often, that desire for perfection, or our imagined ideal situation stops us from working with what we have right here, right now.
I can imagine that as you’re reading this right now, there’s something in your life that is far from ideal. It could be your relationship with your spouse, or partner. It could be your financial situation. Perhaps your job? Maybe even your children, or family? Possibly you’re health, or level of fitness? It could even just be the degree to which you enjoy each moment in life. Whatever it is, there’s usually some area of our lives that spring to mind as being far from ideal.
Oftentimes we use that lack in a particular area of our lives, as a reason not to do something, as a reason to hold back, as a reason to withdraw from participating fully, and even just getting out there and giving it a go. We’re great at making up a hundred and one excuses for ourselves, to justify our lack of action. Yet ironically, the less ideal a situation is, the more time, energy, and attention we have to put into it, in order to turn things around, and bring it closer to the ideal.
If for example our challenge is finance, and we consider ourselves to not have enough money right now, to be able to buy the perfect house, live the perfect lifestyle, or be where we want to be on our own financial ideal, instead of doing something about it, most people will curl up into a cave, and just try to drown out life outside of the necessities of work. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to dullen their senses, and make them less aware of the lack. They may turn to video games, or TV, to immerse themselves in a reality that’s far removed from their real world, and thus help them escape the current situation or dilemma.
For me life is all about tackling those imperfections head on. It’s all about taking those ideals, using them as a guide to get you closer towards what it is that you’re after, but then just going for it anyways; all out. It’s about knowing that there’s stuff that’s less than perfect, and figuring out ways to use what’s available to take the next step.
Our ideals inspire us, they make us want to accomplish something, or work towards something, but equally they can hinder us, and make us hesitate from taking that first step. If we waited until we were the ideal weight, until we had the perfect amount of cash, until we had the best job in the world, we would never arrive at taking any action in life. For me, ideals are a goal to aspire towards, but we should not have the attainment of that goal be something that prohibits or inhibits our ability to progress, and move forward in life. For then the ideals become burdens. They become milestones, instead of goals. Just how often have you heard someone say, once I lose a bit of weight, I’ll start going to the gym? Or once I have a bit more money, I’ll start saving? Or once I start to exercise then I’ll start to eat healthy?
Unfortunately, as much as we might like to believe that none of those small steps matter, or that our ideals are practical and realistic, if there is something in your life that you don’t have, and that you want to have, and you’re not already working towards it, or taking some actions to get you there, then I’m gonna bet on the fact that an ideal of some sort is holding you back. There will undoubtedly be some “if … then …” story that you have started to tell yourself, that prohibits you from properly going after your goals, or reaching that ideal that you aspire towards.
Often when we examine why we imagine we want something, or we hold some ideal situation, or scenario for ourselves, in our mind, and then see ourselves painfully removed from accomplishing it, there is some thought, or belief that we have that holds us back. We end up no longer seeing the glass as half full, and start seeing it as half empty. The world seems less full of hope, our dreams, less realistic, and we resign ourselves to the belief that it just wasn’t meant for us, or that we were just never meant to have a certain something?
That’s the cop out. That’s the painless, easy way out. That’s when we decide it’s not worth the effort, and we stop taking steps and actions that take us closer to accomplishing our ideal. An ideal has not served it’s purpose until it’s made you completely aware of how far removed you might be from your desired destination, and only upon reaching it, will you find the peace and rest that comes with living within your ideals.
By all means, aspire to the grandest, most spectacular ideals that you can imagine for yourself. But then straight after that, don’t forget to start taking steps to bring you closer to that ideal. Ironically it isn’t the absence of the ideal that brings people into apathy, or powerlessness. Usually it’s the grandness of their dreams, and visions. Of what an ideal life might be like, and how much effort and time it might make. But put all of those thoughts, and visions aside, and strive to reach towards that unescapable truth. Learn to take the 1st step. It’s almost always the hardest to take.
Tags: ideals
It’s the Islamic month of Ramdan, in the year 1430 AH (anno Hegirae /after Hijra). A month when throughout the world Muslims abstain from eating during the daylight hours. They wake up early in the morning, to consume some food prior to sunrise, and then wait until the sun sets in the evening to then break their fast, and consume food again.
During the daylight hours not only is food forbidden, but also is the consumption of water, drinking of any liquid beverage, inhalation of smoke, or consumption of any intoxicating substances. Also forbidden during the hours of the fast are any sexual activities. Muslims are also advised to pay attention to their thoughts and abstain from thinking any negative, wicked, cruel or illicit thoughts.
Whilst outwardly the Muslim abstains from food, water and any other nourishment, inwardly a Muslim is expected to refrain from any ill thinking and to monitor and control consciously their thoughts. Even seeing a beautiful woman, and desiring her in an intimate manner, is, if I understand it correctly forbidden during the month of Ramadan. Of course, there are varying degrees of interpretations of the practices of the fasting of Ramadan, but having been born and raised a Muslim, and as someone who chooses to practice the observance of Fasting, I’m sharing my personal understanding of fasting during the month of Ramadan, based on my own personal experiences and observations.
One of the reasons that I choose to observe Ramadan, apart from being a devout believer in the Oneness of the Almighty Creator, in the perfection of his revealed message, the Qur’an, and in the authenticity of his Messenger Muhammad (pbuh), is because I find Ramadan to be a month of renewal. Abstinence allows me the opportunity to spend less time occupying myself with thoughts of food, and being consumed with activites relating to eating and drinking. It’s interesting how when you know that you’ve deliberately chosen not to eat something, and follow through with that commitment, how after a few days your body adjusts to your new eating cycles, and starts to experience hunger at different times of the day. After the first few days of Ramadan, my body automatically adjusts to my new eating behaviour and starts to get hungry at different times. A change which happens so quickly each Ramadan, it always intrigues me.
Another reason that I observe Ramadan, is because I realised a while back that naturally when I’m immersed in an activity of some sort, and I’m in flow with my work, that I simply forget to be hungry. Often, I’ve found myself so immersed in my work, that I forget to eat, or drink, simply because I’m so caught up in the work that I’m doing. Knowing that that happens naturally, I realised a long time back that Ramadan is actually quite easy, as long as I keep myself occupied and gainfully busy throughout the day. Something which doesn’t have to necessarily be a bad thing
Before I realised that Ramadan was approaching, funnily enough, a week or two before Ramdan started, I started to think about how abstaining from something is actually very liberating, and empowering. I’m reminded of a scene from the Hollywood film 40 Days and 40 Nights, where the main character Matt (played by Josh Hartnett) chooses to abstain from all sexual activity for 40 Days, during Lent. During the movie there’s one scene where the women gang up on Matt, in a desperate attempt to have him break his 40 Day vow of abstinence. In the scene the woman talks about how abstaining from sex has been a way that women have controlled men, and maintained their power over them, and how by Matt abstaining he’s taking back that power, and that for the sake of women, they had to stop him. Fortunately they don’t and Matt continues the film with his Vow intact.
But it did get me thinking about how restraint is a common practice in many spiritual traditions, and practices. From Monks and Nuns in the Christian Traditions, to Buddhist Monks, Hindu Swamis, and even Shamans undergoing spiritual journeys. The practice of abstinence, or chastity as a way of preparation is often associated with a spiritual practice, or spiritual undertaking, whereby people prepare themselves free of distractions and clear headed, having not undertaken any acts of personal gratification, or sexual intercourse as part of their preparation. This ability to restrain oneself, and abstain from an act of impulse or desire got me thinking. What if we applied the same restraint in other areas of our life?
What if in the West, we have become so obsessed with trying to please ourselves in every moment, with every whim, that we’ve lost the ability to hold back? To restrain ourselves? What if in trying to always find the pleasure in every moment, in trying to experience everything and fulfill our every whim, we have lost the ability to hold back when it might serve us best to do so?
Thinking about the current credit situation here in the UK, it occurs to me that credit and debt problems stem from an inability to hold back from spending money. It comes from a desire to have something regardless of the current financial balance of our accounts. So we go and borrow on our credit cards, or take out a loan, and overstretch ourselves in a desperate attempt to keep up with appearances, even if we don’t truly have the means or capacity to take on that extra expense. In contrast I’ve met people who choose not to spend money they don’t have, and when faced with an expensive purchase, they simply choose to wait, and set aside a portion of their income each month in an allocated kitty until they’ve saved enough money to make the purchase in cash.
Perhaps restraint isn’t always a bad thing.
Perhaps it is the wise individual who only spends money they actually have. Indeed most businesses only exist by spending money that they have. Perhaps our poor money management practices explains why somehwere between 70% – 80% of new businesses end up closing down within the first two years of business. I wonder how much of the failure of those businesses is just down to poor financial planning, and an inability to work on a cash only basis, after being personally used to always stretching budgets or financial constraints using credit cards and personal loans?
It’s interesting how the management of money can change things so completely, from being completely empowering and liberating when you posess an excess of it, and how it can completely overwhelm and consume you when you perceive a ‘lack’ of it.
My personal experience of money is that when too much money starts to come in too quickly it can become too much to handle, and cause you to lose track of what you have and what you don’t. You end up spending money not knowing exactly what you have, or what you have already spent. Similarly too much food entering the human body too quickly, or just generally eating too much can also be overwhelming for the human body. Current research suggests that reducing your calorific intake can actually increase your level of health, and potentially extend your lifespan. Experiments on rats and monkeys have so far shown restrictive diets being responsible for increased lifespan, reduced incidences of illness and disease, and potentially better physical and mental responses to boot.
Perhaps the infatuation of always getting what you want straight away, of always pursuing your desires and whims, and of always believing that just because you think you want it, it’s the right thing to have is overrated. A misguided myth, stemming from an overly self-centred society?
Perhaps there is a great inherent value in restraining oneself. In holding back. In allowing yourself to feel and experience desires/wants and needs and urges, and not consciously acting upon them. Perhaps the hardest part is not in choosing what experiences to have first, but rather to hold off from indulging all the wants and needs that emerge. From holding back from the impulses and desires of life that we are so used to listening to in every moment.
For me, during Ramadan, I’ll certainly be paying far more attention to how I consciously can extend the power of restraint to other areas of my life. Hopefully, after Ramadan and the month of fasting is over, I’ll have strengthened my restraint muscles to be able to actively start holding myself back from saying things or doing things that previously I wouldn’t have hesitated to say or do before. Perhaps by strengthening my ability to ‘not’ act on impulse, and to be able to restrain myself more consciously in each moment, I might create the space in my life, or at least my experience of life, to discover something more meaningful and fulfilling than another material desire of the physical body, or another urge or craving.
Perhaps we need to see our lives as a blank canvas, with restraint playing the role of the empty spaces that sometimes are so essential in a piece of art. The white, and blank parts can sometimes add so much more meaning and context to a piece of art, that perhaps we should see restraint in the same light. Perhaps we need to consider restraint as being a necessary tool in our arsenal of life, than when deployed allows us to create the spaciousness, and expansiveness in our daily lives, that we can appreciate those moments that we choose not to restrain ourselves that much more fully.
Perhaps restraint is even more powerful than action, when used wisely, and correctly.
I’ll let you be the judge of that for your own lives.
Tags: Abstinence, Fasting, Personal Experiences, Ramadan, Restraint
