As 2010 comes to a close, I’m strangely not drawn to celebrate the end of the year, or to find a party to join in with..

Instead, I want nothing to do with the world outside, and want only to curl up into my own interior. I want to spend time alone, by choice, not through a need to be lonely, but through a desire to be in quiet. I don’t want to be surrounded by noise, or people, or festivities, but instead am drawn to reflect on the many changes that I need to make, in my life, my health, and my lifestyle, to reach some of my goals in life. And not for the sake of accomplishing them, but so that I can then be of use to others, be able to benefit those who are nearest and dearest to me, and ultimately, to get to a point, where I can realise my dreams, ambitions, and vision, of having an impact on the world for the better. (Perhaps only a small impact, on a few people, or perhaps a large impact, on the level of a community, or city, or country, or even continent.)

However, right now, I don’t want to say too much about it at all. In fact, there’s very little about my life, or my personal world that I want to share at all. Having experienced a number of deaths in our extended family, I’ve come to realise the fragility of life, and how important it is that we make use of each last moment we have here. At the same time, it’s made me extremely conscious, of how little I really want to share publicly, and openly with everyone, for everyone to see. It just feels wrong, and out of place. When you’re attending a funeral, it’s not something you want to ‘tweet’ about, or ‘check-in’ for. Through these experiences, I’m starting to realise, that there is a very fine line between what I’m comfortable sharing openly, and publicly, and what I reserve for my more personal immediate circle. In fact, it’s a distinction, that is drawing me ever further away from wanting to share as openly, or as honestly, as I have been doing, online, as well as offline.

As early as 2004, I experienced this ‘problem’, or ‘dilemma’ of wanting to share something, with a specific group of individuals, in a very personalised way, for very specific thoughts, and experiences I had in life, and those groups were very fluid, and dynamic, based on how I was feeling at the time that I decided I had experienced something that I wanted to voice, or share. As of yet, I haven’t yet found the right platform/tool/service that lets me be so selective, or granular with regards to what I share with who.

So in the absence of any such technology, I’m going to go from one extreme to another.

This coming year, I’m going to be much more silent, reflective, and introspective. Occasionally, I’ll share some of my thoughts, thinking, and insights. Other times, I won’t share them publicly, but I will find some way of sending them to a select few people that I want to share more personal details with. For now, I’ve decided that my default setting in everything is slowly going to switch to ‘private’. Twitter, maybe not, but gradually, I’m going to find a level of ‘publicness’, and visibility that I’m comfortable with, and that doesn’t challenge me to rethink, or question what it is that I’m sharing, as often as has been the case in the last few months.

For me, 2011 is going to be a year when I start unfriending people online, and start drawing boundaries between myself, and the world of people that I actually know in person, as opposed to the people that I know virtually. I’m going to start being more attentive to smaller groups, and smaller crowds. I’m going to start thinking much more long termist than I have been so far (about my online persona, and identity). I think in the past, I’ve been quick to default to wanting to opt-in, be public, and share as much as possible. I’m going to change to always questioning if I want to join in, or participate, being much more private, and sharing as little ‘personally’ as possible. That may change the nature of how I appear online, and at the same time, that may start to free up signficantly more of my time and energy to work on some of the pet projects I’ve pencilled in for 2011. Let’s see at the end of next year where I stand. For now, I’ve said enough. Have a good New Year, hope that 2011 brings you what you’re in need of, and now I’m going to go find a movie to watch, or book to read, as I end my 2010, and start to be more of a recluse than before.

One Comment to “Entering a Phase of Introspection and Withdrawl”

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Farhan Rehman, Farhan Rehman. Farhan Rehman said: Entering a Phase of Introspection and Withdrawl […]

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